It has been 30 years since Private Eye released this biting satire of the privatisation of British Rail. Today, the railway system is now part public part private, leaving plenty of confusion for passengers. Who runs your local station? Who sets the rail fares, and who covers your refund? And where the hell does HS1 and HS2 fit into all this? I will take you through how the UK rail organisations are structured, who does and owns what, and how does this affect passengers? - What's the difference between Network Rail and National Rail? - How does split ticketing work? - What did Labour announce in April? And most importantly: Who should I be angry at when I'm crammed in sideways on a delayed Sunday afternoon train to Leeds? No knowledge of the rail industry is required to enjoy this talk, but experts will find it depressing. I may swear, mostly about MPs.